ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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