YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
