it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
