mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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