Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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