why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
