If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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