we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
