and you said cock pushups were impossible
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
