He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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