I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
