Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
