Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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