Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
