I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
