he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
