if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Two words: blizzard sex
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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