I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
