just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
