Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
