Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
