I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
