Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
