Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
