Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
