Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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