Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
