Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
