We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
