either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Randomize
