i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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