I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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