Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
