I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
