I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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