were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
