Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
