life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
