I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
