seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
