in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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