Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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