if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
