if you like me you must not know who I am
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
