Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Floor bacon is actually really good
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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