How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
