I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
