I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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