I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
