I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
They have beer where we have blood.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
