no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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