My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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