I like my sex mixed with concussions.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
